We were seated in my daughter's high school gymnasium watching a pep rally. The evil bitch cheerleader named Manda was trying to sell her evil witchy dark powers to the unsuspecting students of the school. Black magic flowed in and around the basketball court - souls of demons and whatnot seeking new converts. As she was prancing around and cackling maniacally, students were flocking to her because she promised good grades and unlimited success in their futures... plus she was hot so a lot of the guys wanted to bang her.
Those poor kids never knew what hit them; kinda like those credit card signups at college campuses during orientation. Good thing I taught my imaginary dream-daughter Alice better than this and she stormed out of the gymnasium, but not before I noticed the daggers that Manda-bitch was staring in her direction. I thought it best to head out with my daughter and carry on with my day because hey, Bitchy McBitcherson was just in high school, what could she possibly do? (Dream-Me wasn't very good at evaluating the dangers of evil dark magic). Alice did not want to talk about it because she said it involved "girl issues" and boys and I wouldn't understand because I was "just a dad".
Way harsh, Alice. Excuse me for trying to get the 411 on what's going on up in your hiz-ouse. Dem kids nowadays doe. Going back to my daily life a bit miffed and concerned about my daughter's seemingly sudden unwillingness to bond with her dad, I returned home and noticed our dog was missing. Red Alarm: OH NO DOGGIE WHERE DID YOU GO YOU DIDN'T EVEN EAT YOUR FOOD OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD MY DOG IS MISSING... but then hoping he was just off on his own little doggie-adventure, I turned in for the night.
As I was at work the next day, I was forcibly ripped from my desk, sucked into a black hole, and found myself tied to a roulette wheel in a stalagmite-filled crystal cave. Evilbitch-Manda was giggling gleefully (teehee) on the side... and next to me was my doggie! OH NO NOT MY DOGGIE WHAT DID THAT BITCHERELLA DO TO MY DOGGIE! SHE WILL PAY A THOUSAND FOLD WITH THE FIERY BURNING SENSATION OF A BILLION YEAST INFECTIONS NOMMING ON HER TENDER UNPROTECTED SNATCH. DO WHAT YOU WILL TO ME BUT SAVE THE DOGGIE!!! HE'S INNOCENT AND SPECIAL AND THE BEST DOGGIE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD YES HE IS!! ... It has now occurred to me I may have been a little too nonchalant about this little bitchnugget.
She revealed she wasn't really after me or my doggie, but was instead after Alice! (Insert a tad less passionate yelling and general cussery about protecting my daughter here). Manda opened a viewing portal in mid-air and showed how she once enthralled a guy to love her, but the spell was broken when the dude fell in love with Alice's warm heart, love of doggies and extensive volunteer work (Aw so proud of her). As revenge, Mandabitch was gonna kill her.
Simple right? One problem: the rules of magic stated that she was not allowed to kill another human straight out with fire or whatever. She COULD, however, cast a complicated spell in the middle of this magical crystal cavern that would draw upon Alice's 3 most emotional connections to overload her heart and cause it to explode. Pretty devious and rather messy. So Manda had summoned my doggie (FUCK YOU MANDA) and me (Aw yis my daughter loves me!) to be bound up and used. She was missing just one component: Alice's sister.
Well, Alice's sister was dead. I dropped this bomb on her and Manda burst into tears because the spell was now impossible to cast. I laughed. Checkmate, you dog-stealing bitch!
...
Then I woke up and knew there was a high probability I am not ready for kids right now
Photo Credits: Evil Cheerleader, Sad Puppy, Roulette
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