Snow White Has Issues

As Prince Charming, I valiantly strove to save my beloved Snow White from the clutches of the Evil Queen. I'm sure you've heard that story so I'm skipping all the mushy-gushy plot details. Snow wakes up as soon as I plant a sloppy one on her cold lips and she sits up, overcome with love and joy looking healthy and hot again!  Endless celebrations all around as we walk off hand in hand along the paved streets of New York City.  However, a couple of blocks down Snow tears off in the opposite direction, running away from what should rightfully be our happy ending.

The Evil Queen appears and commands, "You fool! Come with me."  She creates a magic portal and we step through, appearing at the gates of Heaven.  The golden shiny gates open at her behest and we step forward into a sunlight-flooded room with a central raised platform holding up a single black pedestal.  "Welcome to my lair you whackjob of a prince" ... Yeah, not what I was expecting.

A viewing ball pops out of the pedestal and the clouds shift up, giving me an IMAX-experience series of images showing me that the Evil Queen was actually an archangel who had a inclination towards the color black.  She lived above the humans watching them and preventing the escape of demons and evil things from the dungeons of Heaven.  Snow White, in turn, is a fallen angel who feasts upon the flesh of mankind once she finds someone who loves her, thus setting her free from her restrictions of being forced into a mortal form.  Also, by liberating one of the fallen angels from their mortal prisons I've somehow unleashed the powers of ALL the other bad angels from their bindings.  Sad day.

The Queen sends me back down in a tornado to go hence forth and capture my betrothed.  Wandering around the streets of NYC, I was at a loss of what to do.  That is, until I stumble upon Snow White living in a cardboard box, crouched over and chowing down on something that could only be described as a bloody stump.  I'm like, "Oh my love, I bemoan thy sorry state and woe is me for loosening this beast upon the world" and then I jumped her (but not all sexy-like, like when I woke her from the poisoned apple spell mishap. This was more reminiscent of pig wrestling).  Unfortunately she gets away and proceeds to demolish buildings, ripping apart every human in her path

...

Then I woke up. My bad

Photo Credits: Snow White, Heaven