Greek Olympians Meets The Little Mermaid

Me, some chick in a white shirt (we'll call her Rachel), and this random guy Mike were just hanging out when the Greek goddess Hera appears all brown haired and statuesque and tells us that we must venture underwater to help out with a problem the Pantheon was having.  Swimming through the sea in what mostly consisted of jeans and t-shirts, we happen upon one of Poseidon's 4 brothers (cause you know, Poseidon had 2 other brothers mythology failed to record): this Enrique Iglesias-looking type dude chilling out on a rock in an underwater cave (now referred to as Enrique).  He tells us that Ursula (the evil fat octopus bitch from The Little Mermaid) was stealing the phytoplankton from the upper layers of the ocean by convincing the coral to trap them and weave intricate tiny tunnels from the sunlit areas of water down into the places where the sun don't shine using King Triton's big magical stick thing!

Seeing as she's 100 feet tall and has created a giant swirling whirlpool of death, we try to take her out Prince Eric-style with a giant section of broken wood... except that she morphs into a giant shark illuminated by lightning.  Mike starts laughing and asks, "Anyone know what the downside to having a fin is?!"

... There is no punchline and I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question because we manage to get blindsided by this giant shark fin and get sent through the whirlpool of death where we shrink down to a microscopic level and see the little rivulets of channels working their way through the coral.  Shimmering phytoplankton litter the sea floor and beg us to save them from the evil bitch's grasp.  We make it to the shore and thankfully Prince Eric himself had already begun preparations to take the bloated monstrosity down.

I missed the climactic battle, but I'd assume if you've seen The Little Mermaid you'd get the gist of it.  Anyway, we return to Enrique's lair to have Aphrodite and Hera show up.  Of course Aphrodite is bangin' with her wavy blonde hair and borderline-slut-toga and gold jewelry, but she does in fact have pink irises in the shape of little hearts.  Her and Hera start arguing about the best way to celebrate Ursula's downfall, and it comes to the decision that the Poseidon brothers will go forth and sleep with as many chicks as possible before the night ends.  By now, Enrique and I have fallen inexplicably in love and this notion of him setting out with his brothers to father some young upsets me to no end, even though he does offer his regret.  Dejected, Rachel, Mike, and I head home.

Upon arrival we get jumped by my talking dog, this huge German shepherd, who excitedly conveys to me that Aphrodite has promised to turn into a goat and have sex with him!  As we enter into the house, I notice some rattling in the upstairs apartment and figure it was probably Enrique returning to rub his conquests in my face.

However, the noises were from him just throwing things across the room and shaking the bed to make it seem like he's gallavanting with scores of lushly women to his brothers, who were also for some reason there.  Instead, as I enter the door he tells me to sit with him and confesses he wasn't able to go through with it because of his feelings for me... (I know right? Dawwww)

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I woke up in a meadow next to Rachel and Mike and I tell them about this frickin epic dream I had when I realize I had left my laptop in my Jeep.  As I go to retrieve it my car is jumped by a gang ready to fight

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Then I woke up to me turning off my laptop because it was making this horrible screeching ventilation noise but couldn't because I got distracted by YouTube videos

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Then I woke up for reals wishing I owned a dog.  Fun night

Photo Credits: 2011 Pirelli Calendar, Ursula Battle, German Shepherd