Attack of the GPBs

There's really nothing better than being on vacation with your family now that everyone's old enough to drink (inevitably except for one cousin; Sorry I'm not sorry, DD).  We were on a booze-filled excursion of Tatooine when all us younger generations decide to rent an extra vehicle (driven by the DD cousin, of course).  As usual I am running late and miss the cousin transport away from the desert planet.  Still at home base, I was still brushing my teeth when I noticed a bright red urgent signal flashing on one of the fancy computer stations clearly heralding, "You. Are. So. Fucked."

I dashed to the scope that showed us views of outer space and I saw a huge flying red onion.  This red onion was sentient and was surrounded by 20 amorphous purple blobby things, all headed from the stars straight toward Tatooine.  Inexplicably, there was no one left on the planet except for me (damn personal hygiene!).  I intercepted a transmission from one purple blobby thing to another saying, "Barely intelligent life form left on this one.  Take it out."  Before I even had the chance to be offended, the invading flying purple creatures morphed into huge gaseous-hurricanes of purple space dust that shot massive lasers out of their spinning vortex centers.  20 incredible beams of light and heat embedded themselves straight into the planet, causing the desert ground to rupture and crack.

I got the hell out of there, frantically dispatching mayday signals to any ship that could hear me.  Star Trek-style I was beamed aboard a departing transport.  Alongside me in the guest quarters were 20 unknown women decked out in their most exquisite trashery... bickering and complaining in thick accents while not-unnoticeable quantities of body fat spilled out of the sides, backs, fronts, tops, and bottoms of their unfortunately-strained and questionable choice of garments.  These women were the other witnesses to the Attack of the Giant Purple Blobby Things (GPBs) and, along with me, were being transported to the Jedi Council to testify against GPB actions against the universe.

We arrive at the docking station on Coruscant, where my buddy Dave shows up decked out only in Lululemon's finest lower-body attire. Gotta stop and admire for a second.  I appreciate a fit, able bodied person as much as the next guy and those sweatpants made his ass look out of this world. I had to give it a little slap.  Meanwhile all the women had fallen asleep on the benches under some sort of spell.  As I go to the bathroom to figure out what to do a man approaches me.  He says that in order to save Coruscant from the same fate as Tatooine, we'd have to wake up the women and keep the GPBs away by singing the Cups "When I'm Gone" cover by Anna Kendrick from Pitch Perfect (originally by Lulu and the Lampshades).  Everyone at the docking station sat in a circle, passed some cups around, and sang our little hearts out.

...

Then I woke up and had a delicious bacon-filled breakfast.

Photo Credits: Tatooine, Onion, People of Walmart, Cups