I was on the Oregon Trail trudging down the wagon road in my prairie schooner with my friends in the back, when we stumbled upon a ghost town in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere. As tumbleweeds blew across the hard beaten path, gusts of wind rattled deserted wooden buildings and kicked up dirt into the horse's eyes. One of the ratty old wooden structures looked bustling, so we opened the door to find techno music playing and flashing strobe lights wailing on our senses.
Stepping inside, there were these bug-type aliens behind the counter and little pixies flying around the inside. Big, creepy brown cockroach-y type aliens *shudder* ... but there was also a shelf filled with super cool action figures. They told me that this was an alien establishment, and that in order to gain access humans have to give up a body part in exchange for being able to transform into one of the action figures on the shelf. This was looking up!
I traded my ear Van Gogh style to become this iridescent blue giant praying mantis. Never felt so badass in my life. I had frickin scythes for hands! "Thank you for your business," the cockroach aliens said as I proceeded past the double doors behind them... which opened up into this massive system of underwater tunnels and shafts of light that propelled people to their destinations... so I went to the bathhouse.
Here I was transformed into an 8 foot version of myself (bareass human), scoping around this poorly lit, slightly musky, and overly humid area. Filled to bursting with men doing the dirty in and around community pools, open showers, private rooms, and also somehow in mid-air, the rampaging testament to carnal pleasure seekers was a sight to behold.. and let me tell you, there were a buttload of sights. Haha butts.
Needing a breather from all the debaucherous shenanigans, I went outside where I was immediately beset upon by the giant cockroach aliens demanding additional payment for the subsequent transformation back into my old, albeit taller, self. Apparently going to the bathhouse cost extra. What a rip off. As I've always wanted to be taller, I ran like hell to get out of the underwater(?) hotel and back onto my trusty prairie schooner in the middle of the desert to make my escape.
...
Then I woke up and went to the gym.
Photo Credits: Oregon Trail, Praying Mantis, Underwater Hotel
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